Thursday, August 22, 2013

Milestones

When you're infertile and you are trying to conceive, life begins to have markers.  Each group of days is marked by an "end" which is usually a holiday or other significant date.  They are timelines you set for yourself saying "Oh, we will definitely have a child by this date" or "It would be so perfect to tell friends and family we are expecting on this date".   You plan holidays and vacations by questioning if you will be pregnant during that time or if you will have a newborn by then.

When we first started trying to conceive, we knew that even in a perfect world, conceiving could take a year.  Our first "marker" was that we would at least be pregnant by our first anniversary.  That gave us a year to get pregnant, but we passed that marker without conceiving.  Our next marker was Christmas of 2011, we hoped to be pregnant by then so we could tell all of our family and friends during the holiday festivities.

Our trip to Germany in June 2012, became our next marker.  We hoped to be pregnant by then, but we were also concerned at the possibility of having to book plane tickets more than 9 months ahead of time.  This milestone passed without conceiving too.

When you are infertile, all of these little goals and milestones you have set for yourself, become difficult.  Each holiday, each vacation, each passing birthday-They all remind you of your struggle.  Days that should be joyous remind you of your failure.

In just 5 days, we will hit the three year mark of trying to conceive, and it is hitting me hard.  Harder than any of the other milestones we've hit.  Statistically, the longer a couple is trying to conceive, the less likely they are to conceive.  And three years is a long time when trying to conceive.  It's a long time to see people around you easily getting the thing you're trying so hard for.  It's a long time to spend each and every day hoping for the same thing.

  I am dreading my 25th birthday this year, absolutely dreading it.  In a perfect world, we had planned to be trying to conceive a SECOND child by now, and we still haven't conceived a first.  I know that I am by no means "old", but this birthday has been haunting me for a long time because for three years we  have been planning to have a child, but here we are three years later and we are not any closer to our dream.
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Thursday, August 15, 2013

A Letter to my ((hopefully) Future) Child

I had compiled this letter earlier in our infertility journey.  I hope that I am able to give this to a child, OUR child in the future.  It's a list of things I would like our child to learn from us, and I thought it was worth sharing.

"I hope to teach you many things throughout your life.  While I know that we will teach you so many important things, I know that we will also learn so much from you.  I wanted to compile a list for if we conceive you and you're eventually here, and also for me if I need a gentle reminder from time to time.

I hope to teach you acceptance.  I hope to teach you that regardless if someone is different than you or they stray from the "normal" thing to do--You should always, always, always be kind.  Every person deserves kindness, respect, and the same rights as another person.

I hope to teach you to follow your dreams.  I hope you dance to the beat of your own drum, after all it's the best music there is.  There is not a dream of yours that is too big or too small.

I hope you're opinionated and strong in your beliefs.  I hope you try your best to understand the beliefs of the people around you, even if you don't agree. 

I hope you have a vivid imagination.  I hope you have a good childhood with little worry.  I hope you know how to play because you're never too old to sing at the park, play dress up, or answer a pretend phone.

I hope you learn to sing like your dad, but even if you end up singing like me, I'll listen to each and every song you sing.  P.S.  Don't be afraid to dance like Auntie Becca.

I hope you learn that everyone makes mistakes.  But getting back up, dusting yourself off and trying again is what will make you succeed.

I hope you learn your dad's humor.  He can always put a smile on my face.  He can tell a joke at just the right time, but he also knows when a hug will work best.

I hope to teach you respect.  Not only for yourself, but for those around you.  Respect for people, animals, and ideas is so important.  

I hope you learn to be the change you want to see in the world.  I hope you inspire the people around you.

I hope you learn to always leave someone's life better than when you came into it.  If someone allows you into their life, change it for the better.

I hope you learn it's okay to be unique.  You're so amazing the way you are, and it's okay to be different.  Each little difference is what makes you, You!

I hope you learn to stand up for yourself.  But also know that you don't need to attend every fight you're invited to.  Focus your energy on your passions and channel your heart in all of your decisions.

I hope to teach you to question things you don't understand.  I hope you learn to ask questions about anything and everything like your dad.  I will answer a million questions a day if it means that you will have a better understanding of the world around you.

I hope you find love.  And I promise to let you follow it wherever it leads you.  I hope you also give love wherever you go.  And always remember love is love is love.  It is less about who you love and all about how you love.  I hope you find a love like your dad and I have.  Find someone who loves you unconditionally.  Find someone who challenges you but is strong enough to respect your differences.

Life isn't about the destination, it's about the journey.  Take time for yourself.  Know that all of the little things-the people, the days, the moments are what make this journey worthwhile.

I hope to teach you compassion.  I hope you feel pain for those less fortunate than you.  I hope you always offer your help to those in need, whether it's helping your grandma with her groceries or giving a homeless man your last dollar. 

And always remember, you are loved. "




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Friday, August 9, 2013

Hope

When infertility gets you down, sometimes it's just nice to know that there are people out there who are cheering you on.  People who believe that you will conceive.  People that say they are there for you, and truly do mean it. My struggle with infertility has really brought some amazing people into my life, and I am so thankful for that.  I have become closer to several family members and many friends.  I have met some amazing people online, some who are going through the same thing with infertility and others who are just amazingly supportive and hopeful. It's amazing to be able to call these people my friends.  It's amazing to see Hope for myself in them. 

I've been having a rough time with our infertility. We tried our first cycle of femara and it didn't work. I had a lot of hope that femara would finally help me ovulate during the right time frame, and that hope came crashing down.  I've been quite disappointed lately- and Monday this week was no exception.  It started out as a pretty sad day for me because I saw the You Became Mine Carter's Commercial, it made me cry uncontrollably.  But then my mail came, and there was a small package.   I still can't believe the thought that went into this package, and how it could not have come at a better time. 

In the package was a little brown box.  Inside of that little brown box was one of the sweetest notes I've ever received and a necklace from someone that has become an amazing friend to me over the last year and a half.  Our talks have ranged in topic from deep emotional conversations to discussing the latest episodes of Catfish. But this was a perfectly timed gift that couldn't have been more amazing.  And it featured one word- Hope.

I am beyond lucky to have such amazing people in my life, and I am thankful for them everyday.  I am so happy that I have such a strong support system in my family and friends, because I know that with infertility-there are so many people who struggle in silence. 


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Friday, August 2, 2013

Stages of Infertility

When you are infertile there are many stages you go through.  These stages are like a roller coaster.  You never really know which stage you're going to be in, until you're already there.

Stage One-The Decision 
Stage One is the point where you decide to start your family, you make a conscious decision to stop preventing and see what happens.  Society makes you feel that you will get pregnant the moment you have sex without protection, I knew this wasn't the case.  I knew that the average couple takes 6 months to a year to get pregnant.  During this stage, you're pretty carefree- you go on living your life the same as you did before.

Stage Two-Trouble in Paradise
Stage Two is where you start to worry that something is wrong.  You dive into the real world of trying to conceive...not the have sex and get pregnant type, but the peeing on ovulation tests and taking your temperature every morning type of trying to conceive. If you're open about your struggles you start to get advice from everyone, a lot of strange advice.  The strangest advice I ever received was to stand on my head after sex if I wanted a boy or lay on the ground in the fetal position on my left side if I wanted a girl.

Stage Three- What's up, Doc?
Stage Three is where your life becomes chaotic.  You have doctors appointments often, usually 1-2 per week.  You're on a first name basis with your fertility specialist and instructed to call to report every detail- the first day of your period, when you get a positive ovulation test, or after you have sex.  It's surprising how much privacy you lose when you're struggling with infertility, your doctor suddenly orchestrates your sex life.

Stage Four-Bitter
Stage Four is miserable.  You become so bitter with your journey. You become angry with the people around you- you become angry if they conceive easily, angry if they complain about their kids, angry because you feel left behind.  Just angry.  It's hard to handle the emotions that come along with being so bitter, to the point where it's almost best for you to seclude yourself so that others don't have to experience your bitterness.


Stage Five- Acceptance
Stage Five is where you begin to accept what is happening to you.  You begin to accept that you may not be able to conceive.  You force yourself to not plan your life around having kids.  You stop saying "WHEN I have kids" and start saying "IF I have kids".  I'm not sure if it's true acceptance, or if it's more about making yourself numb to feeling the pain.

I feel that I'm between Stages four and five right now.  I'm starting to accept that my life may not involve me having children,that I may have to find a new dream.



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