Now, even as an adult, I still feel more comfortable around kids. I prefer to sit with the kids and shower them with attention. I love to hear their stories and watch them grow right before my eyes. But infertility brings a new aspect to that...being around kids-it hurts. It aches deep in my soul. It reminds me of everything I'm not experiencing on a daily basis. It reminds me that if my infertility wasn't a factor I would be a mom.
My infertility continues to change me. There have been so many times in the last four years where I have thought "This has to be it, this pain can't possibly get worse. This pain is a 10 on the sliding scale." But that's because up until each of those points- that pain was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. The pain of every single bone in your body hoping and wishing for a child, but not being able to do anything about it is crushing. Even now when we are in this weird limbo stage of deciding what we will do next with our infertility, if we will continue down this path to try to have a child or leave it behind, I am still in pain. Each time that I have thought that the pain couldn't get worse it does. I used to think that it would get better, but now I'm realizing that it doesn't get better. The pain doesn't go away. My heart just gets used to it so it can make way for the new pain that is about to enter as new milestones approach. With each passing year, each birthday, each holiday--the pain gets worse.
