Left Behind

It's been awhile.  I have been taking a break.  I have deactivated my facebook and have mostly stayed away from social media in general.  I needed a break.  I needed time to not see pregnancy announcements at every turn.  I needed time to cope with the three year anniversary of trying to conceive. It was hard.  It was emotional.  It was a mess.

It's funny how much relationships change when you are infertile. I have built an amazing support group of friends who are also struggling to conceive.   Some of us have been in touch for 2 years or more.  But something strange happens when you're part of a group of friends who are all trying to conceive.  There are different dynamics to your relationships.  You are all in it for the same end goal of getting pregnant.  And some reach that goal. And some don't.  But what happens when you're one of the people who is left behind in the group of women who haven't conceived?  There becomes a divide. 

Last year, around this same time, I took a break from facebook.  I stayed in contact with many of my infertile friends to offer support and just check in on life overall.  This year has been different.  Many of those women have conceived.  They have had their children or are in the late stages of pregnancy. It's a hard thing to feel like you're being left behind or even forgotten.  You no longer share the bond of the struggle to conceive.  They have moved on to pregnancy concerns or concerns with their child.  Who can blame them though?  They have finally gotten the thing we've all been dreaming of over the last few years.    It's just hard when you have to take a look at the relationship and see that there was only one bond holding you together and while you are still in that place, they are not. You have been left behind.

Milestones

When you're infertile and you are trying to conceive, life begins to have markers.  Each group of days is marked by an "end" which is usually a holiday or other significant date.  They are timelines you set for yourself saying "Oh, we will definitely have a child by this date" or "It would be so perfect to tell friends and family we are expecting on this date".   You plan holidays and vacations by questioning if you will be pregnant during that time or if you will have a newborn by then.

When we first started trying to conceive, we knew that even in a perfect world, conceiving could take a year.  Our first "marker" was that we would at least be pregnant by our first anniversary.  That gave us a year to get pregnant, but we passed that marker without conceiving.  Our next marker was Christmas of 2011, we hoped to be pregnant by then so we could tell all of our family and friends during the holiday festivities.

Our trip to Germany in June 2012, became our next marker.  We hoped to be pregnant by then, but we were also concerned at the possibility of having to book plane tickets more than 9 months ahead of time.  This milestone passed without conceiving too.

When you are infertile, all of these little goals and milestones you have set for yourself, become difficult.  Each holiday, each vacation, each passing birthday-They all remind you of your struggle.  Days that should be joyous remind you of your failure.

In just 5 days, we will hit the three year mark of trying to conceive, and it is hitting me hard.  Harder than any of the other milestones we've hit.  Statistically, the longer a couple is trying to conceive, the less likely they are to conceive.  And three years is a long time when trying to conceive.  It's a long time to see people around you easily getting the thing you're trying so hard for.  It's a long time to spend each and every day hoping for the same thing.

  I am dreading my 25th birthday this year, absolutely dreading it.  In a perfect world, we had planned to be trying to conceive a SECOND child by now, and we still haven't conceived a first.  I know that I am by no means "old", but this birthday has been haunting me for a long time because for three years we  have been planning to have a child, but here we are three years later and we are not any closer to our dream.

A Letter to my ((hopefully) Future) Child

I had compiled this letter earlier in our infertility journey.  I hope that I am able to give this to a child, OUR child in the future.  It's a list of things I would like our child to learn from us, and I thought it was worth sharing.

"I hope to teach you many things throughout your life.  While I know that we will teach you so many important things, I know that we will also learn so much from you.  I wanted to compile a list for if we conceive you and you're eventually here, and also for me if I need a gentle reminder from time to time.

I hope to teach you acceptance.  I hope to teach you that regardless if someone is different than you or they stray from the "normal" thing to do--You should always, always, always be kind.  Every person deserves kindness, respect, and the same rights as another person.

I hope to teach you to follow your dreams.  I hope you dance to the beat of your own drum, after all it's the best music there is.  There is not a dream of yours that is too big or too small.

I hope you're opinionated and strong in your beliefs.  I hope you try your best to understand the beliefs of the people around you, even if you don't agree. 

I hope you have a vivid imagination.  I hope you have a good childhood with little worry.  I hope you know how to play because you're never too old to sing at the park, play dress up, or answer a pretend phone.

I hope you learn to sing like your dad, but even if you end up singing like me, I'll listen to each and every song you sing.  P.S.  Don't be afraid to dance like Auntie Becca.

I hope you learn that everyone makes mistakes.  But getting back up, dusting yourself off and trying again is what will make you succeed.

I hope you learn your dad's humor.  He can always put a smile on my face.  He can tell a joke at just the right time, but he also knows when a hug will work best.

I hope to teach you respect.  Not only for yourself, but for those around you.  Respect for people, animals, and ideas is so important.  

I hope you learn to be the change you want to see in the world.  I hope you inspire the people around you.

I hope you learn to always leave someone's life better than when you came into it.  If someone allows you into their life, change it for the better.

I hope you learn it's okay to be unique.  You're so amazing the way you are, and it's okay to be different.  Each little difference is what makes you, You!

I hope you learn to stand up for yourself.  But also know that you don't need to attend every fight you're invited to.  Focus your energy on your passions and channel your heart in all of your decisions.

I hope to teach you to question things you don't understand.  I hope you learn to ask questions about anything and everything like your dad.  I will answer a million questions a day if it means that you will have a better understanding of the world around you.

I hope you find love.  And I promise to let you follow it wherever it leads you.  I hope you also give love wherever you go.  And always remember love is love is love.  It is less about who you love and all about how you love.  I hope you find a love like your dad and I have.  Find someone who loves you unconditionally.  Find someone who challenges you but is strong enough to respect your differences.

Life isn't about the destination, it's about the journey.  Take time for yourself.  Know that all of the little things-the people, the days, the moments are what make this journey worthwhile.

I hope to teach you compassion.  I hope you feel pain for those less fortunate than you.  I hope you always offer your help to those in need, whether it's helping your grandma with her groceries or giving a homeless man your last dollar. 

And always remember, you are loved. "

Hope

When infertility gets you down, sometimes it's just nice to know that there are people out there who are cheering you on.  People who believe that you will conceive.  People that say they are there for you, and truly do mean it. My struggle with infertility has really brought some amazing people into my life, and I am so thankful for that.  I have become closer to several family members and many friends.  I have met some amazing people online, some who are going through the same thing with infertility and others who are just amazingly supportive and hopeful. It's amazing to be able to call these people my friends.  It's amazing to see Hope for myself in them. 

I've been having a rough time with our infertility. We tried our first cycle of femara and it didn't work. I had a lot of hope that femara would finally help me ovulate during the right time frame, and that hope came crashing down.  I've been quite disappointed lately- and Monday this week was no exception.  It started out as a pretty sad day for me because I saw the You Became Mine Carter's Commercial, it made me cry uncontrollably.  But then my mail came, and there was a small package.   I still can't believe the thought that went into this package, and how it could not have come at a better time. 

In the package was a little brown box.  Inside of that little brown box was one of the sweetest notes I've ever received and a necklace from someone that has become an amazing friend to me over the last year and a half.  Our talks have ranged in topic from deep emotional conversations to discussing the latest episodes of Catfish. But this was a perfectly timed gift that couldn't have been more amazing.  And it featured one word- Hope.

I am beyond lucky to have such amazing people in my life, and I am thankful for them everyday.  I am so happy that I have such a strong support system in my family and friends, because I know that with infertility-there are so many people who struggle in silence.