Lonely.

 

"A heartbreak isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding.  Sometimes, it could be as quiet as a feather falling and the most painful thing is, nobody hears it but you."

This journey is difficult.  There are some good days, but a lot of bad days.  It's a rare occasion when infertility does not occupy the majority of my thoughts in a given day.   It's a lonely journey.  Even though, I have a great support system around me, my infertility is difficult for me to discuss.  It's hard to talk about, even with people who have experienced it before.

With the holidays coming up, I've noticed that my infertility is impacting me a lot more.  It's hard to celebrate holidays because they are just another marker in the journey of infertility.  This is the third Christmas that I have wished, hoped and dreamed that I would be pregnant.  It's hard to wrap presents when you wish you could be wrapping presents for your own child too.  It's hard to sit in the glow of a Christmas tree while watching Christmas movies- absolutely alone.

Maybe someday this heart will heal, but until then I will keep pushing forward in this journey.

Big (Baby) Steps

We have really enjoyed the time we have spent working with the nurses at our fertility clinic, but it is time for us to move forward in this process and try things beyond just medication.  We need to move on to procedures and truly finding out what is causing our infertility.


In January we will be going to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. We truly believe this is the best move for us right now, and we believe that his experience with infertility will help us move forward in completing our dream of conceiving and having a healthy child.  He seems to have a great rating with his patients and being able to address their needs.

We are looking forward to taking this step and really hoping it pushes us forward on the path towards conceiving.   

Left Behind

It's been awhile.  I have been taking a break.  I have deactivated my facebook and have mostly stayed away from social media in general.  I needed a break.  I needed time to not see pregnancy announcements at every turn.  I needed time to cope with the three year anniversary of trying to conceive. It was hard.  It was emotional.  It was a mess.

It's funny how much relationships change when you are infertile. I have built an amazing support group of friends who are also struggling to conceive.   Some of us have been in touch for 2 years or more.  But something strange happens when you're part of a group of friends who are all trying to conceive.  There are different dynamics to your relationships.  You are all in it for the same end goal of getting pregnant.  And some reach that goal. And some don't.  But what happens when you're one of the people who is left behind in the group of women who haven't conceived?  There becomes a divide. 

Last year, around this same time, I took a break from facebook.  I stayed in contact with many of my infertile friends to offer support and just check in on life overall.  This year has been different.  Many of those women have conceived.  They have had their children or are in the late stages of pregnancy. It's a hard thing to feel like you're being left behind or even forgotten.  You no longer share the bond of the struggle to conceive.  They have moved on to pregnancy concerns or concerns with their child.  Who can blame them though?  They have finally gotten the thing we've all been dreaming of over the last few years.    It's just hard when you have to take a look at the relationship and see that there was only one bond holding you together and while you are still in that place, they are not. You have been left behind.

Milestones

When you're infertile and you are trying to conceive, life begins to have markers.  Each group of days is marked by an "end" which is usually a holiday or other significant date.  They are timelines you set for yourself saying "Oh, we will definitely have a child by this date" or "It would be so perfect to tell friends and family we are expecting on this date".   You plan holidays and vacations by questioning if you will be pregnant during that time or if you will have a newborn by then.

When we first started trying to conceive, we knew that even in a perfect world, conceiving could take a year.  Our first "marker" was that we would at least be pregnant by our first anniversary.  That gave us a year to get pregnant, but we passed that marker without conceiving.  Our next marker was Christmas of 2011, we hoped to be pregnant by then so we could tell all of our family and friends during the holiday festivities.

Our trip to Germany in June 2012, became our next marker.  We hoped to be pregnant by then, but we were also concerned at the possibility of having to book plane tickets more than 9 months ahead of time.  This milestone passed without conceiving too.

When you are infertile, all of these little goals and milestones you have set for yourself, become difficult.  Each holiday, each vacation, each passing birthday-They all remind you of your struggle.  Days that should be joyous remind you of your failure.

In just 5 days, we will hit the three year mark of trying to conceive, and it is hitting me hard.  Harder than any of the other milestones we've hit.  Statistically, the longer a couple is trying to conceive, the less likely they are to conceive.  And three years is a long time when trying to conceive.  It's a long time to see people around you easily getting the thing you're trying so hard for.  It's a long time to spend each and every day hoping for the same thing.

  I am dreading my 25th birthday this year, absolutely dreading it.  In a perfect world, we had planned to be trying to conceive a SECOND child by now, and we still haven't conceived a first.  I know that I am by no means "old", but this birthday has been haunting me for a long time because for three years we  have been planning to have a child, but here we are three years later and we are not any closer to our dream.

A Letter to my ((hopefully) Future) Child

I had compiled this letter earlier in our infertility journey.  I hope that I am able to give this to a child, OUR child in the future.  It's a list of things I would like our child to learn from us, and I thought it was worth sharing.

"I hope to teach you many things throughout your life.  While I know that we will teach you so many important things, I know that we will also learn so much from you.  I wanted to compile a list for if we conceive you and you're eventually here, and also for me if I need a gentle reminder from time to time.

I hope to teach you acceptance.  I hope to teach you that regardless if someone is different than you or they stray from the "normal" thing to do--You should always, always, always be kind.  Every person deserves kindness, respect, and the same rights as another person.

I hope to teach you to follow your dreams.  I hope you dance to the beat of your own drum, after all it's the best music there is.  There is not a dream of yours that is too big or too small.

I hope you're opinionated and strong in your beliefs.  I hope you try your best to understand the beliefs of the people around you, even if you don't agree. 

I hope you have a vivid imagination.  I hope you have a good childhood with little worry.  I hope you know how to play because you're never too old to sing at the park, play dress up, or answer a pretend phone.

I hope you learn to sing like your dad, but even if you end up singing like me, I'll listen to each and every song you sing.  P.S.  Don't be afraid to dance like Auntie Becca.

I hope you learn that everyone makes mistakes.  But getting back up, dusting yourself off and trying again is what will make you succeed.

I hope you learn your dad's humor.  He can always put a smile on my face.  He can tell a joke at just the right time, but he also knows when a hug will work best.

I hope to teach you respect.  Not only for yourself, but for those around you.  Respect for people, animals, and ideas is so important.  

I hope you learn to be the change you want to see in the world.  I hope you inspire the people around you.

I hope you learn to always leave someone's life better than when you came into it.  If someone allows you into their life, change it for the better.

I hope you learn it's okay to be unique.  You're so amazing the way you are, and it's okay to be different.  Each little difference is what makes you, You!

I hope you learn to stand up for yourself.  But also know that you don't need to attend every fight you're invited to.  Focus your energy on your passions and channel your heart in all of your decisions.

I hope to teach you to question things you don't understand.  I hope you learn to ask questions about anything and everything like your dad.  I will answer a million questions a day if it means that you will have a better understanding of the world around you.

I hope you find love.  And I promise to let you follow it wherever it leads you.  I hope you also give love wherever you go.  And always remember love is love is love.  It is less about who you love and all about how you love.  I hope you find a love like your dad and I have.  Find someone who loves you unconditionally.  Find someone who challenges you but is strong enough to respect your differences.

Life isn't about the destination, it's about the journey.  Take time for yourself.  Know that all of the little things-the people, the days, the moments are what make this journey worthwhile.

I hope to teach you compassion.  I hope you feel pain for those less fortunate than you.  I hope you always offer your help to those in need, whether it's helping your grandma with her groceries or giving a homeless man your last dollar. 

And always remember, you are loved. "

Hope

When infertility gets you down, sometimes it's just nice to know that there are people out there who are cheering you on.  People who believe that you will conceive.  People that say they are there for you, and truly do mean it. My struggle with infertility has really brought some amazing people into my life, and I am so thankful for that.  I have become closer to several family members and many friends.  I have met some amazing people online, some who are going through the same thing with infertility and others who are just amazingly supportive and hopeful. It's amazing to be able to call these people my friends.  It's amazing to see Hope for myself in them. 

I've been having a rough time with our infertility. We tried our first cycle of femara and it didn't work. I had a lot of hope that femara would finally help me ovulate during the right time frame, and that hope came crashing down.  I've been quite disappointed lately- and Monday this week was no exception.  It started out as a pretty sad day for me because I saw the You Became Mine Carter's Commercial, it made me cry uncontrollably.  But then my mail came, and there was a small package.   I still can't believe the thought that went into this package, and how it could not have come at a better time. 

In the package was a little brown box.  Inside of that little brown box was one of the sweetest notes I've ever received and a necklace from someone that has become an amazing friend to me over the last year and a half.  Our talks have ranged in topic from deep emotional conversations to discussing the latest episodes of Catfish. But this was a perfectly timed gift that couldn't have been more amazing.  And it featured one word- Hope.

I am beyond lucky to have such amazing people in my life, and I am thankful for them everyday.  I am so happy that I have such a strong support system in my family and friends, because I know that with infertility-there are so many people who struggle in silence. 

Stages of Infertility

When you are infertile there are many stages you go through.  These stages are like a roller coaster.  You never really know which stage you're going to be in, until you're already there.

Stage One-The Decision 
Stage One is the point where you decide to start your family, you make a conscious decision to stop preventing and see what happens.  Society makes you feel that you will get pregnant the moment you have sex without protection, I knew this wasn't the case.  I knew that the average couple takes 6 months to a year to get pregnant.  During this stage, you're pretty carefree- you go on living your life the same as you did before.

Stage Two-Trouble in Paradise
Stage Two is where you start to worry that something is wrong.  You dive into the real world of trying to conceive...not the have sex and get pregnant type, but the peeing on ovulation tests and taking your temperature every morning type of trying to conceive. If you're open about your struggles you start to get advice from everyone, a lot of strange advice.  The strangest advice I ever received was to stand on my head after sex if I wanted a boy or lay on the ground in the fetal position on my left side if I wanted a girl.

Stage Three- What's up, Doc?
Stage Three is where your life becomes chaotic.  You have doctors appointments often, usually 1-2 per week.  You're on a first name basis with your fertility specialist and instructed to call to report every detail- the first day of your period, when you get a positive ovulation test, or after you have sex.  It's surprising how much privacy you lose when you're struggling with infertility, your doctor suddenly orchestrates your sex life.

Stage Four-Bitter
Stage Four is miserable.  You become so bitter with your journey. You become angry with the people around you- you become angry if they conceive easily, angry if they complain about their kids, angry because you feel left behind.  Just angry.  It's hard to handle the emotions that come along with being so bitter, to the point where it's almost best for you to seclude yourself so that others don't have to experience your bitterness.


Stage Five- Acceptance
Stage Five is where you begin to accept what is happening to you.  You begin to accept that you may not be able to conceive.  You force yourself to not plan your life around having kids.  You stop saying "WHEN I have kids" and start saying "IF I have kids".  I'm not sure if it's true acceptance, or if it's more about making yourself numb to feeling the pain.

I feel that I'm between Stages four and five right now.  I'm starting to accept that my life may not involve me having children,that I may have to find a new dream.

Why don't you "Just Adopt"?

I get a lot of questions when discussing our infertility.  One of the most common questions is "Why don't you just adopt?"  I think to understand the rest of this blog post, first it must be made clear that adoption is not a cure to infertility.  It will not take away the pain of not being able to conceive a child.  Adoption, like conceiving, is a way to grow your family. They are not interchangeable.

There are many factors that play into my decision of not wanting to adopt.  Some of them may be selfish; however I think that most of them are very valid reasons.

Time
Adoption is not something that can be completed quickly.  There are many hoops to jump through just to be considered for a child being placed in your home.   These steps take a lot of time.  Then there is also the time that it takes for a family to pick you or for you to be matched with a child.  Many countries have waiting lists that are several years out.  According to the Dave Thomas Foundation, the average adoption process takes 1 to 2 years.

Money
The average adoption in the United States costs about $30,000 (with the majority of adoptions costing between $20,000 and $40,000).  The average adoption cost in most countries is around $25,000.  You can view a list of the approximate costs of an adoption at this link (http://www.theadoptionguide.com/cost/articles/how-much-does-adoption-cost).

Requirements
When you decide to adopt and you begin the application process, you are immediately subjected to scrutiny.  You are subjected to background checks and medical checks.  You can be approved or denied based on any of the following: lifestyle, religion, income, weight, past abuse (if you were physically or sexually abused in your life, you can be denied the opportunity to adopt a child), amount of education you have completed, your family history, etc.

In my opinion, the requirements for adopting a child are extremely flawed.  There are people who can have a child anytime they want, just by having sex.  It doesn't matter if they are a serial killer, or a drug dealer, or an abuser who has lost their last two children to social services.  They can chose to get pregnant on their own.  But there are good people out there who are being denied the chance to adopt a child based on things that are at times out of their control.

The Child
I know many people who have had both good and bad experiences with adoption.  Fun fact for you- My mom and Grandma were both adopted. I think the idea of adoption is really, truly an amazing thing. For some people.  I have watched several people that I know who were adopted suffer from abandonment issues.  They don't feel whole, or they wonder why they were 'given up'.  They have so many questions, that often times go unanswered.  I wouldn't ever wish that confusion on a child.

I also realize that there are many children who do not feel abandoned and have come to terms with the fact that their birth parent 'gave them up' to better their lives.  And that is a beautiful thing.

Missing Links
This is the part that may seem selfish to some.  I want to be able to experience everything.  I have spent my entire life dreaming of the day when I would finally be pregnant, the day I would go into labor, the day I would be able to breastfeed my child- the moment I would become a mom and have two eyes staring up at me, knowing that our lives would forever be intertwined.  Adoption can't always give you that.  The most sought after children to adopt are the ones that aren't born yet, because people want to be able to experience as many moments as they can.

If you're a parent, I doubt that you can honestly tell me that you would be fine missing those first moments-missing feeling your child kick, missing the experience of being the first one to hold your child.  I don't think that any of the parents I know would say they would be ok with giving that up.

Heartache
Pain.  We all experience it.  With this journey through infertility, I have experienced my fair share of it.  With adoption, it's a similar pain.  A birth mother can change her mind at any point until those papers are signed.  Then all of the time, money, and the bond you have formed with that child are gone.  There is no guarantee when going through the adoption process. In many states there are time limits, where a birth mother can come back for the baby within a certain amount of time (usually 2 weeks to a month).  And then you have lost your rights to the baby you have been raising.  You have a nursery/bedroom that is going to be empty until you try the process again. 

When I was 13, my cousin found out she was pregnant.  She was 17.  She decided on adoption, she picked a couple that was friends with my parents to raise her baby.  They were unsuccessful in conceiving a baby of their own, so they decided to move on to adoption.  Things were great, the couple was excited and so was my cousin.  The couple prepared the baby's room and purchased everything they needed, they believed that they would be getting their dream of a baby in a few weeks.   My cousin changed her mind. She decided she could do it on her own.  She couldn't, her child ended up being taken from her a few months after it was born.  Nobody won in this situation- All of the people involved experienced heartache.  The couple who were trying to adopt her baby, never ended up getting the child they so desperately longed for, they decided to live their life childless.

I'm still infertile
I would be lying if I said that my infertility does not play a role in my decision to not adopt.  I don't want a child to experience my infertility.  I wouldn't want to put a child through that.  Ryan and I have discussed whether or not we would try to have another child if we were able to successfully conceive a first.  We can't imagine going through this heartache, and subjecting a child to it right along with us.

I'm not trying to talk anyone out of adoption, I think adoption is a great thing.  It's just that for me personally, after I have experienced so many things within the last few years with infertility, it is not on my radar. I'm not saying adoption will never been an option for us, but I have several reservations about it, that would be very hard to move past.   I wanted to write this post so that people can understand why adoption isn't an answer to infertility, it is not a cure.  It could not take away the heartache of infertility.  But it is an option for many, including those who are infertile and do not want to spend their life childless. 

What does it feel like?

I get asked all the time to describe infertility-To describe what it feels like to not be able to conceive.  It's such a roller coaster of emotions, but this is the best I can do to describe it.

If you don't have kids--
Imagine you have wanted to see a movie for your whole life.  You have been working at getting everything in your life settled so that you can go to see the movie.  You are finally ready to see it, everything in your life has come into place and you are ready.  You get to the theater and there is a super long line.  You wait in line patiently until you get to the front, it's finally your turn!  The cashier then tells you that you can't see the movie yet, you must get into a separate longer line full of many hoops to jump through.  You move to the longer line, and you can still see the other line where people are able to get into the movie right away while you stand there waiting.

 You are still waiting in the other line, as people who have went into the movie are coming out.  Some of them are complaining about how terrible the movie was, how they never want to go to the movie again, or how they didn't want to go to the movie to begin with.  You are still standing in line waiting when some people come back to see the movie a 2nd or even 3rd time.  You beg and plead for it to be your turn.  You're willing to give up anything to finally have a chance to see the movie.

This is what infertility is.  It's watching people get the one thing you've always wanted.  It's having to see some people get it without even trying.  It's watching people who don't appreciate the amazing thing they have right in front of them, or sadly wish they didn't have it.  Obviously the desire to have a child is much stronger than the desire to go to a movie, but the process outlined above can give you a feel for what it's like.  Basically, just imagine the most intense desire to have something, and then having that option taken away or being told it might never happen.

If you do have kids--
In my opinion, if you have kids, you should be able to understand my pain better than anyone.   Take a second and imagine what your life would be like if you never were able to have your kids.   Imagine what it would be like to not know if you would ever experience the joy of finding out you were pregnant.  Imagine not being able to see the joy on your parents faces when you told them that they were going to be grandparents.  Imagine not feeling those first kicks while your little one was still snuggled in your stomach.  Imagine not getting that very first look at your newborn and the overwhelming sense of love you had for someone you had just met.

Many times I have watched pictures float around on social media sites with captions like "you've never known true love until you become a mother", so if that is the case, mother's should understand most why infertility hurts so much.  Now, I may someday be able to have a child, but I might not.  And that is a very real possibility.  As time progresses, the fertility treatments get more invasive and more expensive, so I don't know if or when I will be able to conceive.

Infertile Thinking

Throughout middle school and high school we were all told that if you have sex, you will get pregnant (and die! Hello, shameless Mean Girls reference), well once you realize that's not the case for everyone you begin to wonder what you're doing wrong.   You begin to wonder why it seems easy for everyone surrounding you, and why infertility is such a taboo topic.

Being diagnosed with infertility makes you start thinking about the future. A lot.  You begin to think about fertility treatments...How far are you willing to go?  Will you take medication?  Will you do IUI (Intrauterine insemination)? Will you do IVF (In Vitro Fertilization)?  What about freezing your eggs or embryos?

You begin to question what will happen if those treatments don't work.  Will you use a surrogate?  Will you adopt?  Will you decide to live your life without children?

Then there's the topic of donation.  You start to get offers from friends and family to give you sperm/eggs or even carry a child for you.  How far would you go?  Would you take your friend or family up on their offer?  Or would you rather use a stranger?

It can easily become overwhelming.  After a few tearful several hour long conversations with your partner, you think you have it figured out. But as time goes on, you become open to more.  After my first round of Clomid, Ryan and I decided that we would only do three doses of the medication because I experience many bad side effects while on it (mood swings, hot flashes, dizziness, abdominal pain, weight gain and blurred vision).  After the third dose, we took a small break and then did three more.  Then we took another small break and did three more rounds.

We were willing to live with the horrible side effects if it meant we might finally get pregnant.  And that's what it comes down to, you have to decide how much you're willing to put yourself through to have a chance at getting pregnant.  Ryan and I have decided to look at our options as they come.  We could keep drawing a line in the sand, but we feel we will just keeping pushing it back.  So for now, we're taking the steps as they come.

New blog, complete with that new blog smell.

I decided to start a new blog.  I had kept my previous one pretty private and limited access to it, but I'm ready to take the plunge into the blogging world and get my story out there.  Hopefully you all will find this blog interesting enough, or at the very least use it as a way to keep up on our journey through infertility, life, and love.  Most of this blog will revolve around infertility as that is what occupies most of our time at the moment.

A little back story on us:

>January 2006-Ryan and I started dating

>October 2008- Ryan and I got engaged!

>August 2010- Ryan and I got married and started trying to have a baby :)

>January 2012- After almost 18 months of trying to conceive, I was diagnosed with "Unexplained Infertility"

>August 2012, We found out we have a perfect storm of infertility when Ryan was diagnosed with infertility too.

Currently, we see Family Fertility in Appleton, WI.  Our most recent update with our fertility is that after several (9 !!!) unsuccessful doses of Clomid we will be trying Femara for 3 months.  If we do not conceive within the next three medicated cycles, we will be referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, in either Green Bay, WI or Chicago, IL.

As far as life outside of infertility, Ryan and I love spending time together.  We love movies, reading and games (both video and board games).  We have a 4 year old Havanese dog; her name is Pancakes (Yes, you read that right...we named our dog after a breakfast food). We love spending time with our friends and family, including our nieces and nephews!  Ryan loves Batman and cooking.  I love taking pictures, painting and creating just about anything.

That's it for the intro, I hope you stick around to see where this journey takes us!