Milestones

When you're infertile and you are trying to conceive, life begins to have markers.  Each group of days is marked by an "end" which is usually a holiday or other significant date.  They are timelines you set for yourself saying "Oh, we will definitely have a child by this date" or "It would be so perfect to tell friends and family we are expecting on this date".   You plan holidays and vacations by questioning if you will be pregnant during that time or if you will have a newborn by then.

When we first started trying to conceive, we knew that even in a perfect world, conceiving could take a year.  Our first "marker" was that we would at least be pregnant by our first anniversary.  That gave us a year to get pregnant, but we passed that marker without conceiving.  Our next marker was Christmas of 2011, we hoped to be pregnant by then so we could tell all of our family and friends during the holiday festivities.

Our trip to Germany in June 2012, became our next marker.  We hoped to be pregnant by then, but we were also concerned at the possibility of having to book plane tickets more than 9 months ahead of time.  This milestone passed without conceiving too.

When you are infertile, all of these little goals and milestones you have set for yourself, become difficult.  Each holiday, each vacation, each passing birthday-They all remind you of your struggle.  Days that should be joyous remind you of your failure.

In just 5 days, we will hit the three year mark of trying to conceive, and it is hitting me hard.  Harder than any of the other milestones we've hit.  Statistically, the longer a couple is trying to conceive, the less likely they are to conceive.  And three years is a long time when trying to conceive.  It's a long time to see people around you easily getting the thing you're trying so hard for.  It's a long time to spend each and every day hoping for the same thing.

  I am dreading my 25th birthday this year, absolutely dreading it.  In a perfect world, we had planned to be trying to conceive a SECOND child by now, and we still haven't conceived a first.  I know that I am by no means "old", but this birthday has been haunting me for a long time because for three years we  have been planning to have a child, but here we are three years later and we are not any closer to our dream.