Why don't you "Just Adopt"?

I get a lot of questions when discussing our infertility.  One of the most common questions is "Why don't you just adopt?"  I think to understand the rest of this blog post, first it must be made clear that adoption is not a cure to infertility.  It will not take away the pain of not being able to conceive a child.  Adoption, like conceiving, is a way to grow your family. They are not interchangeable.

There are many factors that play into my decision of not wanting to adopt.  Some of them may be selfish; however I think that most of them are very valid reasons.

Time
Adoption is not something that can be completed quickly.  There are many hoops to jump through just to be considered for a child being placed in your home.   These steps take a lot of time.  Then there is also the time that it takes for a family to pick you or for you to be matched with a child.  Many countries have waiting lists that are several years out.  According to the Dave Thomas Foundation, the average adoption process takes 1 to 2 years.

Money
The average adoption in the United States costs about $30,000 (with the majority of adoptions costing between $20,000 and $40,000).  The average adoption cost in most countries is around $25,000.  You can view a list of the approximate costs of an adoption at this link (http://www.theadoptionguide.com/cost/articles/how-much-does-adoption-cost).

Requirements
When you decide to adopt and you begin the application process, you are immediately subjected to scrutiny.  You are subjected to background checks and medical checks.  You can be approved or denied based on any of the following: lifestyle, religion, income, weight, past abuse (if you were physically or sexually abused in your life, you can be denied the opportunity to adopt a child), amount of education you have completed, your family history, etc.

In my opinion, the requirements for adopting a child are extremely flawed.  There are people who can have a child anytime they want, just by having sex.  It doesn't matter if they are a serial killer, or a drug dealer, or an abuser who has lost their last two children to social services.  They can chose to get pregnant on their own.  But there are good people out there who are being denied the chance to adopt a child based on things that are at times out of their control.

The Child
I know many people who have had both good and bad experiences with adoption.  Fun fact for you- My mom and Grandma were both adopted. I think the idea of adoption is really, truly an amazing thing. For some people.  I have watched several people that I know who were adopted suffer from abandonment issues.  They don't feel whole, or they wonder why they were 'given up'.  They have so many questions, that often times go unanswered.  I wouldn't ever wish that confusion on a child.

I also realize that there are many children who do not feel abandoned and have come to terms with the fact that their birth parent 'gave them up' to better their lives.  And that is a beautiful thing.

Missing Links
This is the part that may seem selfish to some.  I want to be able to experience everything.  I have spent my entire life dreaming of the day when I would finally be pregnant, the day I would go into labor, the day I would be able to breastfeed my child- the moment I would become a mom and have two eyes staring up at me, knowing that our lives would forever be intertwined.  Adoption can't always give you that.  The most sought after children to adopt are the ones that aren't born yet, because people want to be able to experience as many moments as they can.

If you're a parent, I doubt that you can honestly tell me that you would be fine missing those first moments-missing feeling your child kick, missing the experience of being the first one to hold your child.  I don't think that any of the parents I know would say they would be ok with giving that up.

Heartache
Pain.  We all experience it.  With this journey through infertility, I have experienced my fair share of it.  With adoption, it's a similar pain.  A birth mother can change her mind at any point until those papers are signed.  Then all of the time, money, and the bond you have formed with that child are gone.  There is no guarantee when going through the adoption process. In many states there are time limits, where a birth mother can come back for the baby within a certain amount of time (usually 2 weeks to a month).  And then you have lost your rights to the baby you have been raising.  You have a nursery/bedroom that is going to be empty until you try the process again. 

When I was 13, my cousin found out she was pregnant.  She was 17.  She decided on adoption, she picked a couple that was friends with my parents to raise her baby.  They were unsuccessful in conceiving a baby of their own, so they decided to move on to adoption.  Things were great, the couple was excited and so was my cousin.  The couple prepared the baby's room and purchased everything they needed, they believed that they would be getting their dream of a baby in a few weeks.   My cousin changed her mind. She decided she could do it on her own.  She couldn't, her child ended up being taken from her a few months after it was born.  Nobody won in this situation- All of the people involved experienced heartache.  The couple who were trying to adopt her baby, never ended up getting the child they so desperately longed for, they decided to live their life childless.

I'm still infertile
I would be lying if I said that my infertility does not play a role in my decision to not adopt.  I don't want a child to experience my infertility.  I wouldn't want to put a child through that.  Ryan and I have discussed whether or not we would try to have another child if we were able to successfully conceive a first.  We can't imagine going through this heartache, and subjecting a child to it right along with us.

I'm not trying to talk anyone out of adoption, I think adoption is a great thing.  It's just that for me personally, after I have experienced so many things within the last few years with infertility, it is not on my radar. I'm not saying adoption will never been an option for us, but I have several reservations about it, that would be very hard to move past.   I wanted to write this post so that people can understand why adoption isn't an answer to infertility, it is not a cure.  It could not take away the heartache of infertility.  But it is an option for many, including those who are infertile and do not want to spend their life childless.