Monday, July 22, 2013

Why don't you "Just Adopt"?



I get a lot of questions when discussing our infertility.  One of the most common questions is "Why don't you just adopt?"  I think to understand the rest of this blog post, first it must be made clear that adoption is not a cure to infertility.  It will not take away the pain of not being able to conceive a child.  Adoption, like conceiving, is a way to grow your family. They are not interchangeable.

There are many factors that play into my decision of not wanting to adopt.  Some of them may be selfish; however I think that most of them are very valid reasons.

Time
Adoption is not something that can be completed quickly.  There are many hoops to jump through just to be considered for a child being placed in your home.   These steps take a lot of time.  Then there is also the time that it takes for a family to pick you or for you to be matched with a child.  Many countries have waiting lists that are several years out.  According to the Dave Thomas Foundation, the average adoption process takes 1 to 2 years.

Money
The average adoption in the United States costs about $30,000 (with the majority of adoptions costing between $20,000 and $40,000).  The average adoption cost in most countries is around $25,000.  You can view a list of the approximate costs of an adoption at this link (http://www.theadoptionguide.com/cost/articles/how-much-does-adoption-cost).

Requirements
When you decide to adopt and you begin the application process, you are immediately subjected to scrutiny.  You are subjected to background checks and medical checks.  You can be approved or denied based on any of the following: lifestyle, religion, income, weight, past abuse (if you were physically or sexually abused in your life, you can be denied the opportunity to adopt a child), amount of education you have completed, your family history, etc.

In my opinion, the requirements for adopting a child are extremely flawed.  There are people who can have a child anytime they want, just by having sex.  It doesn't matter if they are a serial killer, or a drug dealer, or an abuser who has lost their last two children to social services.  They can chose to get pregnant on their own.  But there are good people out there who are being denied the chance to adopt a child based on things that are at times out of their control.

The Child
I know many people who have had both good and bad experiences with adoption.  Fun fact for you- My mom and Grandma were both adopted. I think the idea of adoption is really, truly an amazing thing. For some people.  I have watched several people that I know who were adopted suffer from abandonment issues.  They don't feel whole, or they wonder why they were 'given up'.  They have so many questions, that often times go unanswered.  I wouldn't ever wish that confusion on a child.

I also realize that there are many children who do not feel abandoned and have come to terms with the fact that their birth parent 'gave them up' to better their lives.  And that is a beautiful thing.

Missing Links
This is the part that may seem selfish to some.  I want to be able to experience everything.  I have spent my entire life dreaming of the day when I would finally be pregnant, the day I would go into labor, the day I would be able to breastfeed my child- the moment I would become a mom and have two eyes staring up at me, knowing that our lives would forever be intertwined.  Adoption can't always give you that.  The most sought after children to adopt are the ones that aren't born yet, because people want to be able to experience as many moments as they can.

If you're a parent, I doubt that you can honestly tell me that you would be fine missing those first moments-missing feeling your child kick, missing the experience of being the first one to hold your child.  I don't think that any of the parents I know would say they would be ok with giving that up.

Heartache
Pain.  We all experience it.  With this journey through infertility, I have experienced my fair share of it.  With adoption, it's a similar pain.  A birth mother can change her mind at any point until those papers are signed.  Then all of the time, money, and the bond you have formed with that child are gone.  There is no guarantee when going through the adoption process. In many states there are time limits, where a birth mother can come back for the baby within a certain amount of time (usually 2 weeks to a month).  And then you have lost your rights to the baby you have been raising.  You have a nursery/bedroom that is going to be empty until you try the process again. 

When I was 13, my cousin found out she was pregnant.  She was 17.  She decided on adoption, she picked a couple that was friends with my parents to raise her baby.  They were unsuccessful in conceiving a baby of their own, so they decided to move on to adoption.  Things were great, the couple was excited and so was my cousin.  The couple prepared the baby's room and purchased everything they needed, they believed that they would be getting their dream of a baby in a few weeks.   My cousin changed her mind. She decided she could do it on her own.  She couldn't, her child ended up being taken from her a few months after it was born.  Nobody won in this situation- All of the people involved experienced heartache.  The couple who were trying to adopt her baby, never ended up getting the child they so desperately longed for, they decided to live their life childless.

I'm still infertile
I would be lying if I said that my infertility does not play a role in my decision to not adopt.  I don't want a child to experience my infertility.  I wouldn't want to put a child through that.  Ryan and I have discussed whether or not we would try to have another child if we were able to successfully conceive a first.  We can't imagine going through this heartache, and subjecting a child to it right along with us.

I'm not trying to talk anyone out of adoption, I think adoption is a great thing.  It's just that for me personally, after I have experienced so many things within the last few years with infertility, it is not on my radar. I'm not saying adoption will never been an option for us, but I have several reservations about it, that would be very hard to move past.   I wanted to write this post so that people can understand why adoption isn't an answer to infertility, it is not a cure.  It could not take away the heartache of infertility.  But it is an option for many, including those who are infertile and do not want to spend their life childless. 


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Thursday, July 11, 2013

What does it feel like?

I get asked all the time to describe infertility-To describe what it feels like to not be able to conceive.  It's such a roller coaster of emotions, but this is the best I can do to describe it.

If you don't have kids--
Imagine you have wanted to see a movie for your whole life.  You have been working at getting everything in your life settled so that you can go to see the movie.  You are finally ready to see it, everything in your life has come into place and you are ready.  You get to the theater and there is a super long line.  You wait in line patiently until you get to the front, it's finally your turn!  The cashier then tells you that you can't see the movie yet, you must get into a separate longer line full of many hoops to jump through.  You move to the longer line, and you can still see the other line where people are able to get into the movie right away while you stand there waiting.

 You are still waiting in the other line, as people who have went into the movie are coming out.  Some of them are complaining about how terrible the movie was, how they never want to go to the movie again, or how they didn't want to go to the movie to begin with.  You are still standing in line waiting when some people come back to see the movie a 2nd or even 3rd time.  You beg and plead for it to be your turn.  You're willing to give up anything to finally have a chance to see the movie.

This is what infertility is.  It's watching people get the one thing you've always wanted.  It's having to see some people get it without even trying.  It's watching people who don't appreciate the amazing thing they have right in front of them, or sadly wish they didn't have it.  Obviously the desire to have a child is much stronger than the desire to go to a movie, but the process outlined above can give you a feel for what it's like.  Basically, just imagine the most intense desire to have something, and then having that option taken away or being told it might never happen.

If you do have kids--
In my opinion, if you have kids, you should be able to understand my pain better than anyone.   Take a second and imagine what your life would be like if you never were able to have your kids.   Imagine what it would be like to not know if you would ever experience the joy of finding out you were pregnant.  Imagine not being able to see the joy on your parents faces when you told them that they were going to be grandparents.  Imagine not feeling those first kicks while your little one was still snuggled in your stomach.  Imagine not getting that very first look at your newborn and the overwhelming sense of love you had for someone you had just met.

Many times I have watched pictures float around on social media sites with captions like "you've never known true love until you become a mother", so if that is the case, mother's should understand most why infertility hurts so much.  Now, I may someday be able to have a child, but I might not.  And that is a very real possibility.  As time progresses, the fertility treatments get more invasive and more expensive, so I don't know if or when I will be able to conceive.
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Friday, July 5, 2013

Infertile Thinking

Throughout middle school and high school we were all told that if you have sex, you will get pregnant (and die! Hello, shameless Mean Girls reference), well once you realize that's not the case for everyone you begin to wonder what you're doing wrong.   You begin to wonder why it seems easy for everyone surrounding you, and why infertility is such a taboo topic.

Being diagnosed with infertility makes you start thinking about the future. A lot.  You begin to think about fertility treatments...How far are you willing to go?  Will you take medication?  Will you do IUI (Intrauterine insemination)? Will you do IVF (In Vitro Fertilization)?  What about freezing your eggs or embryos?

You begin to question what will happen if those treatments don't work.  Will you use a surrogate?  Will you adopt?  Will you decide to live your life without children?

Then there's the topic of donation.  You start to get offers from friends and family to give you sperm/eggs or even carry a child for you.  How far would you go?  Would you take your friend or family up on their offer?  Or would you rather use a stranger?

It can easily become overwhelming.  After a few tearful several hour long conversations with your partner, you think you have it figured out. But as time goes on, you become open to more.  After my first round of Clomid, Ryan and I decided that we would only do three doses of the medication because I experience many bad side effects while on it (mood swings, hot flashes, dizziness, abdominal pain, weight gain and blurred vision).  After the third dose, we took a small break and then did three more.  Then we took another small break and did three more rounds.

We were willing to live with the horrible side effects if it meant we might finally get pregnant.  And that's what it comes down to, you have to decide how much you're willing to put yourself through to have a chance at getting pregnant.  Ryan and I have decided to look at our options as they come.  We could keep drawing a line in the sand, but we feel we will just keeping pushing it back.  So for now, we're taking the steps as they come.
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Monday, July 1, 2013

New blog, complete with that new blog smell.

I decided to start a new blog.  I had kept my previous one pretty private and limited access to it, but I'm ready to take the plunge into the blogging world and get my story out there.  Hopefully you all will find this blog interesting enough, or at the very least use it as a way to keep up on our journey through infertility, life, and love.  Most of this blog will revolve around infertility as that is what occupies most of our time at the moment.

A little back story on us:

>January 2006-Ryan and I started dating

>October 2008- Ryan and I got engaged!

>August 2010- Ryan and I got married and started trying to have a baby :)

>January 2012- After almost 18 months of trying to conceive, I was diagnosed with "Unexplained Infertility"

>August 2012, We found out we have a perfect storm of infertility when Ryan was diagnosed with infertility too.

Currently, we see Family Fertility in Appleton, WI.  Our most recent update with our fertility is that after several (9 !!!) unsuccessful doses of Clomid we will be trying Femara for 3 months.  If we do not conceive within the next three medicated cycles, we will be referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, in either Green Bay, WI or Chicago, IL.

As far as life outside of infertility, Ryan and I love spending time together.  We love movies, reading and games (both video and board games).  We have a 4 year old Havanese dog; her name is Pancakes (Yes, you read that right...we named our dog after a breakfast food). We love spending time with our friends and family, including our nieces and nephews!  Ryan loves Batman and cooking.  I love taking pictures, painting and creating just about anything.

That's it for the intro, I hope you stick around to see where this journey takes us!
             

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